That’s not food

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Dear Duncan,

I love you. You know I do. I have told you numerous times that I find you adorable, sweet, and super snuggly. You’ve got great recall, you’re a super cute swimmer, and you’re very, very attentive. However, your desire to become the Doodle Hunting Champ has really gone too far. I thought that maybe if I put a list together of things that aren’t food, it might help you on your quest to someday become a ‘good dog’. Shall we begin?

1. Frogs:


This isn’t food.


Duncan– frogs aren’t food. We don’t need to hunt them down, and torture them for 30-45 minutes at a time. We don’t carry them around in our mouths, and we *certainly*  DO NOT CARRY THEM IN THE HOUSE AND DROP THEM ON MOMMY’S CARPET!   It’s not like this has only happened once or twice. Three times now you have brought your dead freaking frog treasures into my house and dropped them on my carpet. I’m tired of your crap, Duncan Doodle. Last night, your dad and I were upstairs playing video games, and decided it was bed time. Your dad went around the corner of the desks, had a massive toe cramp that almost brought him to his knees (/snicker), and as he turned the corner, he let out a panicked squeal. Apparently, your little doodle face was sitting there staring at your daddy, with two frog legs sticking out of your mouth.  After hearing your daddy squeal, you then proceeded to spit out the frog. I went around the other side of the desks, and there I see Kermit, laying on his back, his little frog arms all crossed on his belly. Your daddy and I stared at each other and played the game of “I’m not picking that up”, which Mommy normally win because you’re Daddy’s dog. /hmph. Anyway, stop bringing dead frogs in my house!

2. Baby Rabbits


Adorable baby rabbits aren’t food.


Several months ago, Nana texted me a photograph of some sort of wildlife she found laying on the living room rug. Turns out, it was a tiny, baby bunny. I was absolutely CONVINCED it was Stella that was the bunny slayer, but after spending some time studying the security cameras in the house, I learned the truth. It was you, Duncan Doodle. You’re the bunny slayer. You brought that stupid bunny in my house and rubbed its carcass all over my couch, all my chairs, my throw blankets, decorative pillows and really just about every of my home. I watched my beautiful Stella inspect said carcass a few times, but she never once touched it. She only smelled, and probably thought about what a disgusting doodle you are. She was right, of course. You’re gross. Your poor Nana had to pick up that dead bunny and dispose of it. You’re so lucky, because had I come home and found that, it would have been YOUR carcass laying on my floor. /frown.

3. Clear salamanders/geckos/lizards



These things are gross, but don’t eat them!

Look, I know these things are unsightly. But really, Duncan. Stop bringing them in my house and spitting them out on my carpet, legs askew and tails sometimes missing. I don’t want to pick them up, I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to to see you chasing their gross, clear bodies all over the place. I’m not even going to bother looking them up to see if they are the protected ones here in Austin, because I don’t really want to know. But really, stop eating them and bringing them inside, you little shit.

4. Other non-living things:

Books aren’t food. In this video, you wake from a DEAD SLEEP and decide that you absolutely, positively MUST take this book outside and eat it. What’s extra disturbing about this video, is that it’s called You and Stella Blue, which I made for your Daddy as a gift. It’s like you knew that was an extra special book about your Great Dane, and so you were driven to destroy it.

Or, let’s not forget the post from the day before yesterday, when you blatantly stole a decorative pillow and took that shit outside to the yard:

Non-living things we do not eat would also include eating the walls, chewing on the posts that hold up our back porch, ripping the carpet on the stairs (what in the actual hell, Doodle??), chewing holes in my couch, and general destruction of my property.


I love you lots, Duncan, but you gotta stop being a bad dog. I don’t want dead animals in my house anymore. Don’t make me tell you again!


Love always,


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