Letters to Stella: You’re going to the shelter this time, kid.

Dear Stella,

 

Listen up, kid. I’m just about sick of your shit. I’m sorry that my letter opens by swearing at you, but honestly, I swear at Alea and Hunter, too– especially if they are acting like ass-clowns. And you, young lady, are FO’SHO’ acting like an ass-clown.  Some of what I want to share with you I’ve already shared with our readers, but because you’re a dog, I wanted to lay out in a clear and concise fashion all the reasons why you’re going to the shelter, posthaste.

 

Reason Number 1 for Dumping Your Donkey Ass at the Shelter:

This episode was from last week. I had to get Hunter to move that barrel to the front yard. You ate and infected yourself with a rash because of the wandering jew that was planted in that mofo, which I had no idea dogs were allergic to. I then planted jasmine in it, after you brats left it alone for a bit, and sure enough, I come home and find this. Doodle itched for 3 weeks and I now realize it is because he was in this barrel eating jasmine, and YOU showed him how! I took him to the vet 3 TIMES!!

 

Reason Number 2 for Dumping Your Donkey Ass at the Shelter:

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Also from last week. You ran outside in the mud for HOURS before tracking that shit from the door all the way into the BED! WHICH WAS BLANKET AND SHEETLESS BECAUSE I WAS WASHING THEM! You got dirty, gross, stinky mud on my mattress cover, you gargantuan beast! I do a great job on managing the white carpet, or I did, UNTIL you came along!

 

Reason Number 3 for Dumping Your Donkey Ass at the Shelter:

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There are three marks like this on my wall. I have a contractor coming out tomorrow to fix it all– and it’s costing me over 500 dollars!!! Granted, some is ceiling work which I can’t blame you for (Did you break the air conditioner too?!?!), but I would if I could. This makes me mad every time I see it, because you get shit all over the carpet, too!

 

Reason Number 4 for Dumping Your Donkey Ass at the Shelter:

 

Ugh...

That black shit on my carpet? Pen. A pen you removed from the top of my notepad, carried into the living room, carefully removed the top of, and began to eat. You ATE my pen on my carpet. YOU ATE THE PEN AND STAINED MY CARPET YOU MONGREL! Do you know how long it took me to get that damn stain out of my carpet???

 

Reason Number 5 for Dumping Your Donkey Ass at the Shelter:

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You see what is happening here. Your father caught you with a freaking SPONGE that you stole out of the bathroom. Look at your ears in this photo. Your daddy is fussing at you, but you don’t even care. All you’re doing is thinking about snatching that sponge and running your fool head off!!

 

Reason Number 6 for Dumping Your Donkey Ass at the Shelter:

 

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Just one single time I’d like to place the sheets on the bed without you bringing your doggy smelling dog body up on my clean sheets. This particular instance was particularly annoying because you threw your body up on my bed, legs hanging off, and promptly FELL ASLEEP. Get off the bed while I’m changing the sheets you mutt!

Reason Number 7 for Dumping Your Donkey Ass at the Shelter:

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This was the final straw, you nose-nomming freakazoid. You ATE my couch. In 3 places. I couldn’t even bear to take another photo because everyone would have seen the muddy stains, the chewed walls, the…DESTRUCTION you leave in my HOME.

 

 

I’M DONE WITH YOU, DONKEY! DONE, I SAY!

2 thoughts on “Letters to Stella: You’re going to the shelter this time, kid.

  1. Jennifer

    Ruh-Roh!

    Boy do I know the feeling! Rio has chewed up more things than I care to remember but the most expensive thing was my Jeeps key fob…..yeah, the ONLY one we had. After a tow bill, buying new key fobs and the dealerships fee for resetting the alarm……ugh.

    Reply

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